Leaving Pt. 2

So i filled you on the events that led up to the leave. But I left out three huge things. One is that Becky and I prayed fervently about what to do? This was not something to be taken lightly and something that we sought God in. Her affirmation of the decision, her knowing me (my gifts and passions) and her following me was necessary for this leave. I prayed, before I even told her of my intent, that God would align our minds and hearts on this and He did. Becky is with me 100% and that was a gift from above (thank you God). Secondly after prayer I sought some counsel of men I respect. Men who would not just tell me what I wanted to hear, but would speak truth to me. Some of them agreed with me, so of them didnt. Thats ok, I love them all the same and was glad that those who disagreed could tell me so. Thirdly and finally I planned in my mind how things would go. I am ADHD and my mind never stops. My mind went down the steps of what would happen. Things like how my staff would take it, how the kids would take it, how my personal kids would take it, how the congregants would take it. What would their responses be, anger, sadness or frustration (and lots of other emotions, im sure). What kind of spin some would put on it. Or in reality what lies would be told, or truths hidden. Those things went through my head as part of this process. These series of events that would lead to an end.

I guess I was able to fool myself a little. I had planned out in my head the different scenarios and my reponses to them. Some went as plan, some didnt. Some were easy and some were hurtful. To assume that a departure from the church will go well because its the church is a fallacy. Let us not forget that the church is full of sinners, myself included. So never assume that its going to be "ill fly away" through the process and love and grace, far from it. The reality is that people will be hurt, and they will do what they need to do to assuage their pain. That could be lots of things from, lack of integrity, lack of grace, and sadly a lack of love. Its hard, on all sides and I have to remember that its not just me going through this.

One other area I didnt take into account was the emotions. You can play out in your mind the scenarios but when you do that they are ideal and you know how to handle it, becasue its your imagination. But the reality is that there are emotions tied to it, emotions that effect you. Yes some emotions will effect the decisions, but more than that they effect your demeanor and lets face it they just hurt. I didnt take into account the kind words that some would say and the tearful joy they brought. I didnt take into account the harsh words or half truths that would be spoken that would infuriate me. I didnt taken into account the emotions others felt and their healthy and unhealthy responses. I dont think you can prepare yourself for that. We cant make ourselves feel the joy or pain of an event in our mind. Yes we can imagine it, but we cant feel it, not until it happens. You can imagine breaking your arm and the potential pain, but until you actually do it you dont feel it. The best preparation for me in this is to have some cigars and kleenex near by always. Wipe the tears and calm the nerves, but you still dont avoid the emotions, you still have to feel them.

That is part of the process.